Lima Beans and Drag Queen Terrorists!
All last week, I was craving Lima beans and ham for dinner. Since my week was very busy, I didn't have the time to return from work and prepare dinner as usual. I therefore, relied heavily upon KFC and Mickey D's. Finally, Saturday I went to the grocery store and purchased a 5lb. bag of Lima beans along with my other groceries. On the return home, I stopped at HoneyBaked Hams and purchased a small ham.
Sunday night, I put on the Lima Beans after soaking them overnight Saturday and most of the day Sunday. I cut up the usual bulb of garlic and three onions. I place these into the roasting pan with about 3lbs. of the beans, salt, pepper, some onion powder, and about 1/4 of the ham that I sliced into nice uniform pieces. After about four hours of slow cooking in the oven at 300 degrees, the beans were done and ready for my taste buds. Mmmh, Mmmh, Mmmh! You talkin' bout lip smackin' good!!!
So after about three or four hours after eating the Lima beans, I noticed that while sleeping, I began to continuously and relentlessly fart. These weren't just the regular garden variety of farts. These farts were huge, loud, and the most foul-smelling farts I've ever smelled in my entire life. They were so bad, I had to move from my bedroom in the middle of the night to the living room because, I just couldn't breathe. I later moved from the living room back to the bedroom. Soon, the entire house wreaked of fart gas! This fart gas literally brought tears to my eyes. I therefore, decided not to eat anymore Lima beans for awhile.
Yesterday, a couple of my drag queen friends came by looking hungry as usual. They were on their way to the Theater on Van Ness. As soon as they walked through the door, all I heard was, "Koanbred! What chu got in the fridge to eat?" I decided to offer them the very best, in beans!
I was trying not to laugh as I observed them greedily gobbling down the beans liked they hadn't eaten in a week (that's what they do everytime they come to my house). They asked me if I would like to join them to the theater. I told them that I wouldn't miss the night's feature for any amount of money.
Sure enough, we arrived at the movies on time, about three hours later. At first, Shirley, the big one, let out a squeaker like she was holding back. She then excused herself to go to the bathroom. It was difficult, but I still refused to laugh. Next, just before Shirley returned, Sandra, my Latina friend (a most flambouyant drag queen who loves black men), let out the loudest fart ever known to man. The entire theater started to crack up! Soon the people immediately around us began to move. I couldn't hold it anymore! I started to crack up laughing! Shirley returned just in time to see our neighbors moving. As soon as she asked, "Why are they moving?", she said, "Damn! What's that smell?" These questions seemed to catapult me into a total state of laughing hysteria. A few minutes later, Shirley cut a loud one too! The smell was so bad, more people in the surrounding area began to move while practically everybody in the theater was laughing, again!
Finally, we just had to leave! The farts were coming too fast and furious. The smell was just too horrendously bad. There was just no way to breathe under the heavy foul-smelling layers of gas. As we exited the theater, cracking up ourselves, Sandra began to ask stupid questions that raised the stakes of humor. She asked, " What if this doesn't go away and we just fart like this forever?" Another funny question was, " Do you think it was the beans?"
As we stood outside of the Theater, we thought to return to the Box Office to get a refund, since we hadn't even been inside of the movie for more than half an hour. As we approached the Box Office, there were about eight or nine people there pointing at us, after one of them shouted, "There they are officer! They're right there!"
What were they going to do to us? Have us arrested or attack us! These people were acting like my friends were drag queen terrorists or something! We decided not to press for a refund and just left___, quickly!
This event was pure comedy and I'll never forget it! Hopefully, Sandra will never get her question answered. I will most certainly never tell them about my plot that worked like a charm...
So what do you guys think? You think it might be the beans?
